The story of us;

I want to tell a story, a story that some of you whom know me might not even know
this story happened.

Well one thing, do you guys believe in fate?
I do.

Because I met him on account of fate, not once, but twice.
Let's just name him, A.

# A year ago, in the month of March.

I met him at a mutual friend's birthday party.
My first impression of him : Not much, he's attached; taken.

He was with this pretty long hair lady, and they were dancing together the whole
time so I thought he was attached.
His group of friends were nice, they offered me drinks but I did not drink much.

In the end I left early because I had to meet some shitass who was supposedly part
of my life then.
In fact I went to meet that douchebag to end things.

And there, then, I was single once more.

I did not think much of the guys I've met last night through my friend's birthday party.
Until one added me.

Frankly, I wasnt much impressed with him, having the initial thought that he already had a girlfriend - how good of a guy can he be?
But after that, we exchanged contact and started chatting on msn.

He told me the girl he was dancing with the other day is actually his sister.
We clicked off pretty well and even started texting soon after.
Then we went out.

On the first time we went out, I realised I spoke much more than he did.
I realised then he was a good listener, and it was kind of easy for me to speak to him about thoughts and feelings.

Maybe it was then and there I figured out that I have developed feelings for him.
Feelings of liking.
I was unsure, but it was fun talking/hanging out with him.

Time passed, we texted, msn-ed and hung out.
He even came over to watch movies with me on my laptop.
I cooked for him - it was spaghetti, my first meal for him. <:
Baked him cookies too.

It was not long after he texted me to ask me to be his girlfriend.
I was happy and flattered, but I rejected him.
Probably because I knew we were not ready, and we were new to one another.
I wanted to give us more time.

And perhaps, the rejection changed everything.
He started to become a little stranger towards me.
There were less texts, less meetups, less coming-over to my place.

Often I feel that I was trying hard to get his attention, because I am starting to fall for him, but I feel he was drifting away from me - it was approximately 2-3 weeks after we first met.

I knew that I am starting to develop stronger feelings for him, and I would secretly make plans for the both of us in my heart before I go to sleep, ending the night with a smile on my face.
I would find recipes online on things I want to make/cook for him.
I would imagine us holding hands together and spending so much time together as a real loving couple.
I would dream of being his girl and making him happy and smiling all the time.
Being together with him was my goal, my dream.

On some days, he would be nice.
We would text and make plans for meetups.
On some days, he can get cranky.
He would reply my texts in a cold manner and avoid the topic of us meeting up.

Throughout all these days, he gave me the feeling that we would get together.
But somehow I felt like it wouldnt happen - like he was hiding something from me.
I wanted him to meet my friends so badly but he seemed not keen at all.

It was then I feel that I should stop trying this hard.
I was disappointed, and at a loss.

I recalled, during the times that we went out, he was to go overseas with his group of friends.
I got him a little iconic toy (iconic to the both of us because its of a certain meaning) and I wanted to pass it to him the night before he go off to his trip.

I wanted to meet him at an mrt station nearest to the both of us, but he told me it was kind of a hassle to meet just to pass him that.
And in the end I said its okay, and was so upset that I cried.

I texted one of my girlfriends to tell her about it.
In the text I mentioned I was upset.
But hell, I accidentally sent it to him.
The next thing I know, was seeing him scolding me indirectly on facebook.

I was really upset with myself, and I felt embarrassed.
I told myself it was all ending, and I called him to talk.
He didnt sound like he wanted to talk, and the call ended abruptly.

On the day before he left, he texted me to tell me everything's fine and he'll contact me once he get back.

When he was overseas, I admit I was stalking his facebook, and was pretty upset he could update his statuses but did not inbox me.
Until the day when he reached Singapore, an hour or so, he finally told me he was back.

A week or two after that, we met up again.
This time at my place, and we watched movies together.
Everytime we talked, I feel that he was avoiding topics about relationships and love matters.

He asked me when would I want to get together with him.
I just shrugged.
Then it came - he kissed me, on my lips.
It was a moment so hard to forget.

I didnt want to because I was saving it for the perfect moment if we would get together.
But inside, I was actually smiling that it happened.

He left for home afterwards for dinner, and I went with him to get a cab home.
It rained immediately after he left - heavily.
I was drenched I recalled, but it didnt matter because I need to get home to go out
for a performance later at night.

I somehow thought the kiss meant something - good.
That we would get together soon.

But sadly, that was a kiss goodbye.

Following the meetup, his texts came lesser and lesser.
I tried initiating texting, but his replies were either slow or one word replies.

It was then I know and realised that this was a one-sided love affair.

A guy whom picked me up from a lowest point of my life, who listened to all my heartfelt thoughts and sorrows, someone who cherishes his family with all his heart, someone whom I knew I've always been looking for, someone whose smile I can never get off my mind, someone whom can finally make me forget about all the sadness I have had, someone whom I know I can share a future with, someone whom gave me butterflies in my tummy - has left.

I cried like a little girl a few weeks following his departure from my life.
I knew I had to stop contacting him and looking at his facebook profile so my heart wouldnt hurt.

It was not long after I found out from a friend that he started texting other girls.
It was then I tried to hate him to stop the hurt.
I would cry myself to sleep every night, so that my eyes would be so swollen and red and I would be too tired to think and I could just go to sleep.
It was hurting so badly I couldnt eat and I didnt want to leave my house.
I am thankful that I had friends whom cared a lot for me then, to help keep me happy and back on track with my life.

But somehow, I knew inside my heart, we might meet again.
I told my bestfriend then, that if we would meet again, I would do things differently so as not to be hurt again.
I knew in my heart if he came back, I would take him back.

Three months after he left me, he got himself a girlfriend.
Seeing them together broke my heart.
I cried once more even then it was 3 months later since our last contact with one another.
I knew that the girl was not the one for him - they were two people from two different worlds.

Then and there, I gave up.


Strange enough, December last year he started texting me again.

He told me about the problems his girlfriends gave him - he apologised to me for leaving and breaking my heart, and told me it was his karma that his girlfriend was making life difficult for him then.

Somehow I had a soft spot for him, and I told myself I would forgive him and be a friend to him.
I gave him advices and told him to try to make things work if he loved her.
I knew that if I really loved him, I should keep him happy by helping him, even if it is for the wrong girl, I just wanted to see him smiling.

His texts came, on and off.
Frankly, I was bothered by the fact that I was like a spare tyre - when he needed someone to talk to he would start to contact me.

He was mentally torturing me, for the fact that I haven't really got over the past (I think he thought I did), by expecting me to be there for him when he physically weren't there at all, in my life, not even as a friend.

I still, stood there.
I didnt push him away, I just stayed there, being available whenever he needed me.
I even advised him on a gift/meal he would make for her on Valentine's day.

However soon after, they broke up.


Throughout all these months from December onwards, there were guys coming after me.
But somehow or rather I didnt accept them, or perhaps I knew that what I really want is not a relationship with either one of them.

It was then another person entered my life.

He made me happy, and we started dating.
However, the happiness he gave me was simple - nothing fun or exciting.
It was so simple to the point that there wasnt expectations.
It wasnt the love I wanted, not what I've expected.

I was still texting A, and I asked him for advices.
He was being really political and neutral about things, telling me the pros and cons of my choices.
Texting him seemed really comfortable - like an old friend.
But somehow I know it was something else - old feelings started creeping back into my heart.
The soft spot I've had for him, it's turning back into real feelings.

Then it was a day that came.
I knew I had to make a choice.
I had two.
A, whom I've had feelings for since a year ago, was back, and we're texting fine.
But I certainly have no idea of how he feel for me.
D, whom treated me right from day 1, whom loved me alot, but I have not much feelings left for him after A came back.

I knew I was being an ass towards D, and I realised that to stop hurting him, the only thing I had to do was letting him go.
And I did.

I've let someone go, whom loved me truly, for someone who broke my heart a year ago and I had absolutely no idea how he felt for me.

A big risk I took.


A and I started to go out again this year mid April, and during the first meeting after so long, I immediately saw a change in him.

A more mature, a more serious person was speaking to me.
Ironically, he spoke much more this time than I did; in fact most of the time he was the one talking.
We caught a movie together, and another.
It was a good and fun day we had together.

We started to text and he would ask me out on supper with his friends.
This continued for a couple of weeks.

It was not long after, I spoke to my friend about this, and she urged me to ask A about his feelings for me.
He confessed to me, and told me he kept quiet about it because he didnt want to ruin our friendship as it was almost difficult to get things back on track, talking to me again, and he was happy the way things were so as not to spoil it.

He knew one day he would tell me but not so soon.
And he finally did.

I asked him about why he left a year ago, the real reason - he said he was afraid of commitment.
I knew in my heart it was difficult to trust him again, especially after he broke my heart so bad, even though I knew in my heart my feelings for him somehow did not vanish at all.

He told me he wouldnt ever leave again and would give me time, and he would prove it to me.
I was just contented that he was back.


Frankly speaking up till now, the past still haunts.
I am trying hard to forget, but even now, sometimes I do still think of the past.
I think of the many reasons why he left, and I sometimes doubt myself.

Sometimes I feel shameful of myself, insecure and sad.
I would compare myself to his ex, to why he chose her over me.
I would feel that he would leave me anytime, and this is just yet another dream.

However he tried his best to make me happy, to make me feel that the past should be left behind and he has changed to become a better man.
At times when I wanted to give up, it was he who would keep me going.
He ensured me that his love for me is real and I am not dreaming.

We have been going out for around 3 months now, and it was tough as at times we will quarrel because of our different mindsets and also my phobia for what happened in the past.
There's so much assurance needed in our relationship and we both know that unless we work extra hard, it was almost impossible we both can ever be together.

There were times I wanted to give up, feeling frustrated that I am not able to let go of the past fully for our better future.
But we both know it takes time and as long as we both hold on to try to make things work, it would be alright and everything will be fine.

It was yesterday, he popped the question, asking me to be his girlfriend.
We were at his house, after a movie we caught on channel 5.
It wasn't super romantic or cheesy and all but the smile on his face and the look in his eyes was more than enough.
I knew that I had to say yes because that was what I've been waiting for for a year and 4 months.

Finally everything I dreamt of is coming true.
16th July 2011, we got together.

Of all the promises that you have made to me, the one that I will never forget is the one you said that you will never ever leave me again.
I love you baby.

I believe in fate because of you.
I believe in miracles too.

And, I believe in you, in us.


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