At the end of the day;

What if I told you guys, that I'm not as happy as I look?

What if I told you all, my life's not as perfect as it seems?

Would you all believe me? 
Would anything change?

Every single time when shit happens, I try to see positivity in it all.

Try to make things better for myself so I would feel better; laugh a little louder, smile a little wider, staying stronger.

Because it's sad to admit things are not going too well; 

maybe I'm being hypocritical towards how I truly feel.

Maybe I just want to wallow in self-pity and cry.

Perhaps I'm too egoistic to admit about how I truly feel, or maybe because I'm just a coward, worried about how others will think of me and worried about showing how I truly feel will ruin the seemingly "perfect" situation, until I'm being pushed and pushed and pushed to the point I can no longer take it all anymore.

Going back, looking through all the happier times, I can't help but wonder - why and how did things end up this way?
Sometimes it makes me wonder, whatever that is happening, is it even worth it?

Is there any solutions or easier way out?
Can I excuse myself overtime shit happens and come back after sometime with a smile and things seemingly goes back to normal again?


I don't share too much of my personal issues on social media and create drama etc...
But I've been increasingly confused as to how things should be.

I've been desperately trying to google for solutions (apparently many women does that) but I can't find the solutions to our problems.

Every single time when something happens and turns nasty, it always ends with an apology but no conclusion.
Then the next time, the same kind of issue happens again and the ending would be the same again.
It just goes around in circles.
We are just going around in circles, burying all the issues for as much as we can over and over and over again and when an issue arises, certain things buried are being brought up again.


Over the years, I've learnt a lot.
No matter how many promises made, it can all be broken.
No matter how much memories made, it can all be forgotten.
No matter how much foundation is being built up, it can all be just an empty shell in the end.

Expectations - they are scary.
The more you hope things will turn out to be, the lesser the chances they will eventually be.

Many times, I just wish nothing more than just being quiet and that hoping for someone to be physically there; there for me, there when I'm crying, there when I feel that all hope is lost.

But that, I guess, is just unnecessary expectations.
Because somehow in the end, I can deal with it.
I will deal with it.

Or that's what and how everyone thinks.


Good gracious lord, I'm so fucking tired.

Ironic that everyone tells me to stay positive but when I'm trying to be happy over things I shouldn't, I'm being hypocritical.

Maybe it's time to just stop trying.

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